re: definition

2002-05-07T20:37:00.000-07:00

part II

Thirty-one dollars to my name and I'm feelin good- though I'm not of any possession of a lot of money, I have enough. Atleast enough to buy Lauryn Hill's cd and put some gas in the tank. Five dollars to my name- and I see a homeless lady. I'm looking at her, and saying to myself -"there's something so genuine about her.." Pulling my wrinkled five dollar bills out- I hand them to her. She smiles, and replies by sayin, "Thank You and God Bless.."

Feeling good for awhile- knowing that I helped someone who was in need. Later on, I mention what I did to my mother..

I basically made a dumb move. What I should've done was go to McDonald's, use that money so I could give her some food. Better yet, I should've went to the store and bought some fruit. Lord knows what she's going to use that money for- but I gave her all the money left to my name out of good intentions- and hopefully she'll use it for good intentions (like I said- I had a "good" premonition about her). Regardless of anything- what I did was a propitious deed; perhaps not the smartest, but good- genuine- and pure

Peace.

2002-05-07T13:51:00.000-07:00

"i'm literally three checks from being homeless"

go get a job. .

was the first impression of my friend when she saw a homeless man holding a sign up while cars were driving by- our thoughts coincided, but not entirely. Her perspective/intentions were an arbitrariness 180 degrees from mine. I noticed folks trying to ignore him, staring-glaring at him directly in the eyes in a "subtle" manner, atleast to them it seemed inconspicuous- he might as well have been invisible.

"go get a job", she chuckled, as she took the wrapping off from her new CD. My remark was, "it isn't easy to get a job. hell, i'm jobless right now, u know? shih.. getting a job is solely based on first impression- by looking at that man, it has to be 10 times harder. The only difference between me and that man- is my m-a-m-a, u know? i'm blessed, and you are, too.. u wouldn't have this car or that new cd without your parents.. u know what i'm sayin', girl?"

Begrudgingly, she rolled her eyes, "well, i just don't give a fuck.. he's homeless probably because he did something really fucked up.."

i'm not gonna argue with you.. shit happens in folks lives for reasons.. purposes..

the end..

the majority of us is 3 checks from being homeless..

"whateva.."

2002-05-04T18:49:00.000-07:00

breast implants (?)

UPDATED: Wait. Hold Up. It's freedom time- for myself. No matter what I do to my body- I. will. always. be. me. Fuck this society's judgements- they're opinions are only paper thin. Aforementioned: paper cuts hurt, too. But, who said that one cannot transcend?

superficiality vs. authenticity.

I asked my mother if she would be upset if I was to get breast augmentation- she chuckled, glanced at my cleavage, and simply stated, "u definitely don't need them- but, would I be upset? No. So long as it's coming out from your own pocket- you can do what you want." If she disapproved, she knew I would have a rebuttal, because afterall- she, herself had breast augmentation; considering her situation though, she was a Triple A then, and I am a C now, so there's a dramatic difference between the two. (I'm sure she doesn't mind that I'm spilling her beans on here ;o) ) BUT, after hearing that, I was partially relieved, but what's holding me back is that I've always been the type of sista to acknowledge those with their "natural beauty" (e.g. Sade, Erykah, Amel Larrieux- they're all naturally gorgeous) and here I am seriously considering to have surgery to "enhance" my look. This is my double standard.

The thing that's roaming through my mind (yes, it is petty, but paper cuts hurt, too.) are- yes, i am pretty, but not pretty enough; yes, i am smart, but not smart enough; yes, i am a size 5, but a size 3 would be better; yes, my hair is long, but it isn't long enough. (Don't think for one minute that I'm the type of girl who is constantly asking someone, "do you think I'm fat.. etc" I'm conveying my thoughts- and genuine feelings on here for a reason- myself. Thank You. The ironic thing is- I'm the only one who's holding myself back- I know the answer, but I keep questioning myself)

The list could go on- I could easily fix the following, but they would not be authentic- something that this entire society will praise and spit upon simultaneously.

2002-05-03T20:28:00.000-07:00

i have never been the type..

to be like, "in your face, BITCH" But, lately, folks actually think that they have used their "discernable" lack of senses, and jumped to the conclusion that I, Ms. Johnson, am narcissistic. *puzzled QQ* That's right, I've somehow developed the aura that I am too big for one's breeches. The absurdity of such- to misconstrue my quiet and shy nature as some vain-glorious bitch.

My goodness.

What is crawling up some folks asses? I'm not trying to take your man. (that was a jumper, huh?)

Point. Blank.

It doesn't matter, though.

2002-05-03T16:58:00.000-07:00

i hear what you're sayin'..

But, it isn't registering- is exactly what was lingering through my mind when I spoke to my mother. The only words that I could actually mumble were, "yes, I know.. ". Gulping my tears- I felt like the only ounce of pride- the iota of strength, I had inside of me had emerged. The facade that I easily presented as my ability to stand tall broke down- I mean, literally, crumbled. No more smiles that covered the little girl weeping inside; and, no more of the "it's all good.." notions- for the time being, atleast. Everyone has to break down at some point in order to rebuild. Like Lauryn Hill said, "anything that does not grow- is dead.. " I feel myself growing- and contemporary speaking, it is NOT an easy task. Funny how it is- intermittently, I will "snap," and go through feeling severely emotionally imbalanced- nothing of suidical notions, but to the point of not even wanting to get up, get out and do somethin.. And it's ironic, because my ultimate goal is to remain balanced with whatever situation I am encountered with; so, I'm battling every aspects, double standards, doubts and strengths that have been presented to me. I've become reclusive. It has been a long, sluggish and dawdling 5 months. After Christmas my whole mood, motivation, and ambition seemed to disperse into thin air.

*sigh*

I've been walking on the borderline.

2002-04-23T15:50:00.000-07:00

wowzers

one mo' 'gin

teehee

i have been receiving MUCHO love..

but it's only a little "high"

believe that. .

anywhoodle.. time to go workout =D